bleeding in the time of late stage capitalism
cycling isn't all glitz and glam
I have been tracking my cycles on and off for a very long time, as my preferred method for birth control. Not only has it allowed me to not get pregnant, but it has helped bring me back to my body and learn how to take care of myself in a much more sustainable way. When I teach about body literacy, this is my focus. Of course, fertility awareness is meant to be a tool to have some control over one’s fertility, but I think the real benefit comes from the daily practice of having to actually check in with your body. As someone who struggles to stay inside myself, this is grounding and stabilizing. I have felt more empowered to take care of myself and to advocate for myself, especially in a medical setting. It’s a practice for everyone who cycles, regardless of having sex that could lead to pregnancy.
I didn’t cycle for years (I wrote some about that here). I was in a two-year long fertility awareness educator program during this time. Each class began with a go-around check in- what day are you at in your cycle and what else feels important to share. Every week I would share that I’m still not cycling, I may or may not be noticing signs of fertility (mostly not), my daily temperature usually reported that I was possibly dead, and I was frustrated. I feigned confusion as to why it wasn’t happening and refused to acknowledge how little I was nourishing, how much I was overdoing, and how extremely stressed I was all of the time. This cycle had been going on for years and the small improvements were not enough to get my body back online. I’ve been doing pretty well for a couple years now and am proud and honored to have regained this vital sign of my health.
At the same time, I really do not enjoy feeling exhausted, crampy and cranky for a few days each month. My experience of bleeding is not very intense at all, but I still feel like I am going through puberty and am thrown for a loop each month. I’ve been in touch with my cycle for a long time, I teach about it, I talk about it, and yet am always surprised by the shift that comes once estrogen drops and progesterone starts to rise- when I somehow grow *tits* and feel like wearing anything with a structured waist is actual hell and prison.
I started writing this lil letter over the summer when it was 100 degrees in NYC and I started bleeding right before I had to go in for a restaurant shift. I could not fathom how I was supposed to peel myself off the floor and regain enough consciousness to give people an ~experience~ whilst simultaneously bleeding out right in front of them. It never tires me to think of how incredibly wild it is that we do this each month and are expected to continue to function at peak capacity.
A couple years ago, when I was still attempting to run a podcast, I spoke with one of my classmates about a lot of things, but I’m thinking now specifically of how she had shifted her relationship with her cycle. (You can listen here) How she had experienced a time of life pretty outside of a life ruled by capitalism and was able to create a lot of ceremony around her bleeding and that of her community. She held red tent ceremonies and created a lot of intentionality around this time of the month. We talked about how unrealistic this can be and how at some point it can lean so far into some sort of toxic wellness culture that you eventually grow tired and weary of. At the time we were both really into a podcast that was working to dismantle some of the problematic slices of the wellness/holstic health sphere that each of us had found ourselves pulled into in one way or another.
Growing up in the birth and reproductive health worlds has often left me victim to the ideas of purity that wellness culture encourages us to strive for. To treat our bodies like temples and fear any impurity that could impact our wellness. Some may now call this orthorexia. The desire to be so so good at caring for your body can quickly lead down a path of deep un-wellness under the guise of a desire to be well, to be good, to be pure. This venture may have started as a way to disengage with mainstream consumer-driven capitalism, but as these things tend to, it circles right back to it under some woo-ified disguise.
When I wasn’t cycling I felt immense guilt, like I hadn’t cracked the code of how to take care of myself. That I was being a bad woman. Being able to return to regularly cycling has shown me that my body is always trying to recalibrate, to get back to center, despite my best (worst) intentions and leaning into it is an act of resistance.
I wish we could all take menstrual leave to really honor what’s happening, to be pampered, to be slow, to be internal as nature intended. Since I am always talking about harm reduction I’ve realized the best course of action in these times is to do what we can with what we have. Unfortunately, I still have to go to work, walk my dog, and show up even when my body says no. Can you give yourself spaciousness in small ways that allow you to still feel cared for while having to participate in this world? I think yes- slap on some salon pas pain patches, eat some chocolate, warm foods, wear only comfortable things and get on your way. I don’t mean this to be a pick yourself up by your bootstraps kind of mantra, but as a way to keep feeling empowered in caring for yourself when you also have to care for others.
Take rest, cancel plans, make yourself something luxurious or order take out. The world is crumbling- I can’t afford to miss work and I’m sure you can’t either so what can we do to feel less oppressed when the pressures to ‘do’ are caving in? I think it’s the cumulation of the small acts of care we give ourselves that matter. That’s why I started making the self care lists. To show myself that I have an immense capacity for caring for my lil body despite the external & internal pressures to keep up with a break neck pace of living.
I’m bleeding as we speak and here’s what I’m doing:
wearing my biggest coziest sweater and dress because I can not be constricted by clothing
taking magnesium supplements to help with cramping (magnesium glycinate is my favorite form and the one that crosses your blood-brain barrier to also work with soothing your frazzled lil nervous system)
eating chocolate in the morning
eating warm foods
drinking lots of tea- lavender & chamomile and nettles & ginger as two separate infusions that keep my soul and body happy
oversleeping- I have been waking up really early now that I live in Maine for no real particular reason but I let myself sleep well past my alarm this morning because that was more important
hot yoga for my mind and body to feel wrung out
long walks
I use a diva cup & sterilizing that in a pot of water at the first signs of cramping is part of my period ritual now
cancelling unnecessary tasks and plans and letting myself move as slowly as possible throughout the days while also doing what needs to get done. tl/dr do the bare minimum
laying on the floor
drink extra coffee who cares
electrolytes in water
nervines because anxiety gets wild at this stage for me- ashwagandha and milky oats for me :)
taking a shower in the middle of the day
wearing red lipstick to gaslight myself into thinking i don’t look as bad as i feel
Remember that rest is an act of resistance. We can’t always take care of ourselves in the ways that we think we should, but I no longer believe in shoulds and care must not be perfect. Care can be messy. It can be eating a bag of chips in the parking lot of the grocery store (which is one of the favorite texts I ever received from a friend who was reflecting on her own self care tendencies in response to when I first was keeping and publishing lists of my own self care). In order to show up in the ways that we want for ourselves, our partners, our communities- we have to feel that we are tended to. Audre Lorde did say “caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”